We face conflicts in our decisions because we are busy wanting to do many things with limited time. And we face conflicts in our decisions because some things are scary to say yes to, and scary to say no to. These forces conspire to make “later” an appealing choice. “Later” temporarily relieves our busyness, and temporarily relieves the scariness of committing to yes or no.

When marketing, you must give them a reason that now is better than later.

When living, you stand to gain a lot from saying “yes” or “no” to some things you are saying “later” to. Like saying yes to living the way you truly want to in your work and in your relationships. Or saying no to those activities and relationships that don’t align with your values and priorities, but will be hard to say good-bye to.

We forget that windows of opportunity close quickly.

What do you do when someone’s irresponsible or unkind behavior is causing a problem for you or your business?

Yesterday I was sitting at a coffee shop working on my book. A customer at the next table was receiving a lot of text messages. The loud and somewhat piercing ringtone was going off every few seconds. I saw glances and raised eyebrows, but nobody said anything. I didn’t either. I kept trying to write, but my train of thought was suffering.

After a few more minutes of dinging and blinging, I leaned over and said “Hey would you be willing to silence your phone?” She looked up from her daze, remembered other people exist, and switched it to silent. Problem solved.

Asking for changed behavior is the first step. “I need you to start coming to work on time every day.” or “I need you to complete your projects on time.” or “I need you to leave the personal attacks out of our conversations”. Ask for the specific change in behavior that you want to see.

Sometimes asking for specific change is not enough. Some people aren’t clueless, they are irresponsible or unkind. It’s easy in that scenario to just let the problem continue, as if we are helpless to do anything about it because “they won’t change”.

If they don’t change their behavior, there’s another step. Say to that person “I was hoping you were going to take care of the problem that your behavior is causing me, but since you haven’t, I am going to make sure it doesn’t cause a problem for me anymore.”

“I am going to solve the late attendance problem by terminating your employment here.”

“I am going to solve the project deadline problem by giving the project lead role to someone else.”

“I am going to solve the personal attacks problem by leaving the conversation every time you start to speak to me that way.”

“I am going to ask the manager to talk to you about your phone use.” or “It’s time for me to find a new coffee shop.”

Nothing in their behavior needs to change in order for you to solve your problem. When you set appropriate limits, the other person will still have a problem, but you won’t have a problem anymore.

You can’t make them change. You can solve the problem.

“What kind of people are the hardest for you to get along with?”

I’ve asked that question to perhaps a hundred job applicants during final interviews at my companies. Applicants vary widely in their personalities and basic motivations, but their answers to this question don’t vary much at all. I think that’s interesting.

The top answer, by far, is “people who don’t listen to me”. If you want to be hard to get along with, let the people around you feel unheard.

The angry NetJets Pilot’s union set the stage for the most important lesson I learned at this year’s Berkshire-Hathaway Shareholder’s meeting.

NetJets is a Berkshire-owned company, and the pilots union has been in difficult negotiations with the CEO of NetJets for some time. The union coordinated efforts to display their messages to attendees at the shareholder events this year.

They hired an LED billboard truck to drive around and around the giant outdoor shareholder cocktail party. The billboard alternated messages criticizing the NetJets CEO with a cartoon depicting him as a jockey riding the company and whipping it. I was there in the crowd of shareholders, and I found it uncomfortable.

The next day at the main shareholder event, the NetJets pilots picketed along the sidewalk. Union representatives handed red bags to the guests in line, using the guests as couriers to bring their messages, printed on the bags, into the meeting. The union even rented an inflatable blimp to float their combative messages above the crowds. Twitter was flooded with union messages addressed to members of the media, hijacking the official hashtag for the shareholder event. It seemed to me they went out of their way to embarrass Warren Buffett at his own 50th anniversary shareholder celebration.

My emotions went from uncomfortable, to defensive, to concerned about what powerful response Warren Buffett might have to being embarrassed in this way. They were picking a fight with one of the richest and most influential people in the world.

During the meeting an analyst did ask about the NetJet’s union situation. Warren’s answer surprised me.

He heaped praise on the NetJets pilots. He complimented their unwavering professionalism and their high level of skill as pilots. With a lighthearted tone, he talked about how friendly they are, and how he’s always had a safe and positive experience every time he has flown with them.

He acknowledged that the company and the union have a difference of opinion over pay and benefits. He expressed relaxed optimism that the difference of opinion would be resolved soon enough. He cited a couple of facts about the pay and working conditions the pilots currently have. And that was it.

Praise. Acknowledgement. Optimism. Information.

He didn’t mirror the combative tone of the union messages. He didn’t descend to their level of personal attacks and mocking images. He simultaneously put the crowd at ease, and by taking the high road, made the pilot’s union look childish and their tactics look dirty. His relaxed optimism undermined the union’s extensive efforts to make the issue a big ugly deal. By leaving his ego out of it, Warren won the round without a single attacking maneuver.

Well played, and a lesson I won’t forget.

This is an excerpt from “Lean Into the Hard Work”, a chapter in my forthcoming book.

Some projects worth doing require physically difficult work, or long tiring hours of mentally demanding work. I admire people who embrace those kinds of work when they’re needed.

There’s another kind of hard work that scares more people than those two, I think. Emotionally difficult work stops a lot of people who are undaunted by a long day of exertion.

A songwriter putting her vulnerable heart into her music is doing emotionally difficult work. A scientist who dares to believe the groundbreaking solution can be found, doesn’t know how yet, and still shows up to the lab every day, is doing emotionally difficult work. The leader who takes responsibility and personally promotes a vision for the organization is doing emotionally difficult work.

Fear is an invisible filter that screens out many smart and talented people. I imagine a bold red line painted in front of us all, stretching as far to the left and to the right as we can see. This side of the line is crowded, and it feels safer. The other side is sparsely populated. It feels conspicuous and dangerous.

When an entrepreneur moves from talking about a new business, to starting that new business, she steps over the red line. The crowd on the safe side gasps, shrinks back a little from the line, and a rumble of envious comments drifts through them. “Look what she’s doing. I couldn’t do that. I wonder if she’ll make it, or fall flat.”

The line has no guards, no fence, no barbed wire making it hard to cross. There’s no requirement to be smarter, better looking, or wealthier in order to cross it. It’s just red paint on the ground. The few who cross it often reap big rewards, and see the futures they intended for their lives unfold in exciting ways. Back on the safe side people point, envy, analyze, even say it’s unfair. But that powerless red line keeps them safely, invisibly, restrained.

Give yourself an advantage. Cross the line.