Comparing

June 18th, 2015 — 5:30am

At the gym, I notice plenty of people lifting a lot more weight than I can. It kinda stinks to put my little 25-pound plates on the bar while they are racking up multiple 45-pound plates right beside me. It feels like everybody except the 90-year-old guy is beating me. One of these heavy lifters is about a 100-pound teenage girl. Either she’s superhuman or I’m doing something wrong.

I can lift much more than when I started training, but when I start comparing I forget about that and feel quite unimpressed with myself.
My trainer steadily reminds me that we don’t compare, we just keep improving. She’s right, and it applies to all of life.

Healthy people don’t compare themselves to others. They just aspire to get better.

Envy helps no one.


Why I Go to Therapy

June 11th, 2015 — 5:30am

I go to therapy once a week, sometimes twice, and I have for most of the last six years. I’m talking counseling, therapy, a.k.a seeing a shrink.

Therapy is about working with missing, broken, or undeveloped parts of me. When I left home at age 19 and headed to college, I took with me a lot of good skills and valuable life learning that came from my parents. I also took with me some problematic gaps in my development, some hurts from things that didn’t go well, and some unfinished growing-up business.

Over the next several years I took on the responsibilities of a marriage, kids, and business leadership. As the demands of my life increased, the gaps in me caused bigger problems. They showed up in my relationships, my work results, and how I felt every day. I had too much anxiety, not enough confidence, insecurity in some relationships, and a handful of other problems.

I wanted to live up to my potential, not be held back by the gaps and broken aspects of me. I wanted to feel well and function well. I invested in my growth. I went to conferences, group cohorts, and a whole lot of individual therapy. I chose my helpers carefully. (I’d advise you to do the same.) I’m grateful to have worked with some of the best human beings I know as my coaches and therapists.

The more whole, healed, and mature I am, the better I function in relationships and in work.

I don’t expect to always be in therapy to fix broken things in me. Like physical therapy after an accident, it should not last forever. Therapy should end when healing is complete and functionality has returned, or when all progress that will be made has been made. Perhaps I’ve been a little more broken than most, because it’s taking me a while. I’m getting there.

Unlike therapy, I do expect to continue working with coaches as long as I live. Coaches can help with the broken things, but more than that they help take what’s good and make it great. Like an athlete who is always training for the next level of competition, I always want coaches helping me reach for the next notch of my potential.

As I look back on all the hours sitting on the couch of someone older, wiser, and better at seeing me than I am at seeing myself, there’s no doubt it has changed me for the better. There’s something beautiful about restoring and developing to one’s full potential. This is undoubtedly one of the best investments of time and money I’ve made.


Premium Time

June 4th, 2015 — 5:30am

I noticed that the creative task of writing my book has required my premium time. To write what I feel is quality and heartfelt content, I need to spend the best hours of my week on it. Those are times in which I’m mentally and physically rested, emotionally connected, working in pleasant surroundings, not distracted, not rushed, and not stressed. In my case this premium work time makes up 10-20% of a typical busy week.

I’ve spent nearly all my premium time this spring on book writing. This prompts me to wonder what I used to do with that premium time. Respond to emails? Review documents? Think? Create? Text people? I did some of each I guess.

Use your premium time for the kinds of creative, high-value activities that benefit the most from getting your best. Spend other times on tasks that don’t require your A-game to be done well, or don’t have as much impact potential.


When Later is Not An Option

May 28th, 2015 — 5:30am

We face conflicts in our decisions because we are busy wanting to do many things with limited time. And we face conflicts in our decisions because some things are scary to say yes to, and scary to say no to. These forces conspire to make “later” an appealing choice. “Later” temporarily relieves our busyness, and temporarily relieves the scariness of committing to yes or no.

When marketing, you must give them a reason that now is better than later.

When living, you stand to gain a lot from saying “yes” or “no” to some things you are saying “later” to. Like saying yes to living the way you truly want to in your work and in your relationships. Or saying no to those activities and relationships that don’t align with your values and priorities, but will be hard to say good-bye to.

We forget that windows of opportunity close quickly.


Rude Ringtones, and Limits that End Problems

May 21st, 2015 — 5:30am

What do you do when someone’s irresponsible or unkind behavior is causing a problem for you or your business?

Yesterday I was sitting at a coffee shop working on my book. A customer at the next table was receiving a lot of text messages. The loud and somewhat piercing ringtone was going off every few seconds. I saw glances and raised eyebrows, but nobody said anything. I didn’t either. I kept trying to write, but my train of thought was suffering.

After a few more minutes of dinging and blinging, I leaned over and said “Hey would you be willing to silence your phone?” She looked up from her daze, remembered other people exist, and switched it to silent. Problem solved.

Asking for changed behavior is the first step. “I need you to start coming to work on time every day.” or “I need you to complete your projects on time.” or “I need you to leave the personal attacks out of our conversations”. Ask for the specific change in behavior that you want to see.

Sometimes asking for specific change is not enough. Some people aren’t clueless, they are irresponsible or unkind. It’s easy in that scenario to just let the problem continue, as if we are helpless to do anything about it because “they won’t change”.

If they don’t change their behavior, there’s another step. Say to that person “I was hoping you were going to take care of the problem that your behavior is causing me, but since you haven’t, I am going to make sure it doesn’t cause a problem for me anymore.”

“I am going to solve the late attendance problem by terminating your employment here.”

“I am going to solve the project deadline problem by giving the project lead role to someone else.”

“I am going to solve the personal attacks problem by leaving the conversation every time you start to speak to me that way.”

“I am going to ask the manager to talk to you about your phone use.” or “It’s time for me to find a new coffee shop.”

Nothing in their behavior needs to change in order for you to solve your problem. When you set appropriate limits, the other person will still have a problem, but you won’t have a problem anymore.

You can’t make them change. You can solve the problem.


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