In posts like my last one, The Marshmallow Experiment, on delay of gratification, I kinda sound like someone who thinks change and success are all about willpower. Well, they’re not.

I think willpower is totally overrated. I guess where there’s a will there’s a way, but willpower is not the way part, it’s just the will part.

Some problems are solved by getting information that was missing, or by persevering with what we are already doing. I like these problems. They are so easy because they don’t require a change in who we are. Most of the problems we have aren’t this kind, because these have such a short half-life. They don’t last long.

The problems that remain are the tougher sort. These are the problems that stick around after willpower has been applied. I have an observation about this. If you don’t have enough willpower to make the change or solve the problem then I think (and this is deep) you don’t have enough willpower to make the change or solve the problem.

You’re going to need something else, something more than willpower, something you don’t already have in you, something from the outside, something you can’t decide, something you have to experience and receive from other people.

• You can’t willpower your way to self-discipline, you have to experience and receive discipline from other people.
• You can’t willpower your way out of loneliness, you have to experience and receive connection from other people.
• You can’t willpower your way to confidence, you have to experience and receive acceptance from other people.
• You can’t willpower your way to new job skills, you have to experience and receive training from other people.
• You can’t willpower your way out of burnout, you have to experience and receive help from other people.

I think willpower is denial in a thin disguise. It’s denial with a time element. Regular denial says “I didn’t fall” while lying flat on the ground. Obviously foolish. Willpower-flavored denial says “I won’t fall next time” even though nothing has changed. Not as obvious, but just as foolish.

Photo courtesy of www.istockphoto.com/waynerd.

The canyon between knowing and doing is not bridged by willpower alone. When the willpower bridge collapses and you find yourself making a hard landing in the bottom of the canyon, that’s not your reminder to try harder, that’s your reminder to get people. You don’t have the power to jump the canyon but you do have the power to drag your scraped-up self to a coach, a group, a teacher, or a friend. They don’t help build a bridge, they help fill in the canyon.